Confesson #4: Desert Walking

Sometimes inspiration comes at the most inopportune time-11:55 pm on a long Sunday night, is not my prime time to sit and type, and yet here I am-the bug has hit and I have to get out these ramblings before rest will find me tonight!

Confession # 4: I’ve been in a desert! One of those long lonely patches. Where God is distant, my faith is weak and I am walking this journey by simply putting “one foot in front of the other” (Pastor Rich often uses this analogy-this is the way we follow Jesus), day in day out, marching it out. This patch is marked by a very real lack of emotion and so I rely completely on devotion. I know in my head what I am to do-love Jesus and so I do-but where-where is my heart?

Desert walking is not something new to me-I have been here before-but on this trip I have been contemplating the meaning of love! I love my husband-“tremendously” as he says-I love my children-in an unearthly way that I am certain is a divine spring supply. I love my Jesus! How are these loves so different and so the same? How in these loves do I find the reflection of God The Father? I ponder.

In this contemplation I study the “love chapter” in I Corinthians chapter 13:4-8 (NIV):

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always perseveres. Love never fails.

Whoa-this time, these words ring out almost audibly as I read them “it keeps no records of wrongs”, I have read this chapter more times in my almost 40 years than I can count!! This very passage was recited by my dear friend in my wedding! HOW has this insight eluded me before? I feel a deep twinge of failure as I realize how HUGELY I have missed the mark on this instruction! Conviction-that bitter sweet visiting of the Holy Spirit-whispering to me that I need to do better in the way I love, and show Jesus’ love!

I am humbled at The Almighty’s insistence that when he forgives my sins he throws them “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12 NIV) and He forgets them! How does He do that? In my feeble humanity, I am so bound by this meager body and mind that I can only forgive-I cannot forget! And so I am baffled. How am I to do it-how am I to keep no records of wrongs? How am I to forget the hurt feelings, the grumbly uglies (those little snide remarks made by people we encounter that cut to the quick)?

And then I am reminded-this isn’t about me-me forgiving-me forgetting-it is about me relying on Jesus. Jesus is love. So I have to rely on Jesus to help me forgive, and rely on Jesus to help me forget and rely on Jesus to help me move past all the grumbly uglies out there in the world that will inevitably pop up and make me feel so unworthy. Jesus. So where is Jesus reflected in me? Jesus is love. When I love people, I Jesus them. Literally.

Jesus-give me strength for this desert journey! Give me wisdom and grace to always see you-even when I don’t feel you! Jesus-help me love! Help me love my husband, children, family, friends, church, and community so that when I do- they see you!

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.           

Matthew 5:44-45

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them.           

Luke 6:32 (NIV)

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him.           

I John 4:16 (NIV)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

I Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Confession #3:

I call myself a recovering over achiever, and to be honest, I should also disclose that this includes a serious bend toward perfectionism. Whether it be with grades in school, with looks or weight when I was younger and now things like what I cook, what my house looks like, I am constantly battling this internal push that whatever it is, it can be better, it can look better, it can taste better, my cakes can look professional, and not just can but should. I don’t know where this borderline neurosis necessarily originates in my soul but I recognize that it certainly is NOT always healthy! Now don’t get me wrong, this drive has served me well, it helped me earn scholarships and go to college for free. It is what drives me to keep my house (mostly) clean - at least the parts I let everyone see J and it is what pushes me to always be the best me I can be - which I still have not attained (and thus you might understand where the unhealthy part begins).

Now all that said, in my journey to let go of this over-acheivement-itis, and to embrace the not so perfect me, I have encountered an interesting phenomenon. Odd changes in the small voice inside my head, my conscious: the little voice that has steered me away from tragic wardrobe choices and kept me from saying what I am thinking out loud, and from hurdling objects at people that annoy me (you know you’ve wanted to). It’s that little voice that has helped me!! But occasionally it seems masked and even sometimes mocking- it will say things like “you can’t wear that you look ridiculous” or “your butt’s too big for those jeans-they’re for skinny girls”, or “you want to do what for a career, you’re crazy, you’re not that talented”. This interesting change in tone, in my internal dialogue has caused me to start paying attention! Is it really me thinking these ugly things or do I have a hitchhiker in my mind that is playing on my insecurities and plaguing me with self-doubt and loathing??

And this brings me to confession #3-Sometimes I forget that Satan is a liar!! A world-renowned professional liar! And in his incredibly clever and conniving little way he discovered that my innate bend toward being the best me, can easily be twisted for his advantage! With his mocking interjections, he can cut to my core, leaving me wounded and wondering if I am as worthless as I have begun to feel.  I have heard these lies before and I can’t believe I didn’t recognize them sooner, and I regret having left an opening for him to worm his way into my thoughts!!

So what is the truth? In a world of images swirling around me that only encourage my unhealthy version of perfection, where do I go to find my ground?? This is what I know to be true - that Jesus would never tell me “I’m not talented enough. He would say, “Dare to do it with my help, and see what we can accomplish together”, God my father would never say to me “your butt’s too big”, He might direct me to make healthy choices and treat my body accordingly, but the creator God would point out that his creation, the body that He knit together in my mother’s womb is “fearfully and wonderfully made”!! Did you hear that?? “Fearfully and wonderfully made”!! All my curves, all my freckles, um-hum-“wonderfully made”!! Rock on God!!

I can’t believe I was buying into the trash that the enemy is so good at pandering! Thank you Jesus, for providing the empowerment to kick the enemy out of the recesses of my mind and to declare that Jesus has authority in me!! And in Jesus, is where I find my real worth, my real desire, and my real drive to be the best me!!

So in the spirit of New Year’s and New Beginnings, I am committing myself to looking to Jesus to find my value each and every day!! And reminding myself that Satan is liar on the prowl to attack me in unearthly attempts to thwart what God almighty is at work to do in me! I will not accept it; I will through the power of Jesus overcome it!!

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty way. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.                                 

                                               Ephesians 6: 10-18 (NIV)

Merry Christmas!

The Great Joy

That my king would leave his home, his throne and his glory

To be born in a dirty stable, to a family of no means, to walk this dusty earth

To be man wholly and feel the depths of joy and sadness this world can bring

That he would face the deceiver and deny the temptation to avoid the cost

That he would plead with his father, if this cup could pass but be obedient still

That he would restrain himself and accept

In his humanity the beating and the mocking of the crowd

That he would suffer

That he would die

That he would descend to the depths of hell

That he would conquer death and Satan’s hold

That he would stand triumphant

For me

OH GREAT JOY!

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you;

He is Christ the Lord.

Luke 2:10-11 (NIV)

Confession # 2: I am NOT a professional plate spinner.

Have you seen that act in the circus, where the person in a jazzy jumpsuit (with sequins up the side) spins plates on 8 foot sticks and manages to do flips and cartwheels in addition to NOT breaking any of plates. Minus the sequined ensemble, I find myself juggling my life in much this same fashion!! Unfortunately-I am not a pro. I often break plates and I have yet to land a cartwheel in the process!

Case in Point: It’s Thanksgiving week-I am in full Thanksgiving mode. The Turkey is thawing in the fridge, and I still need to grab noodles and dressing ingredients at the store. First, I have to make it through this workweek.  My Tuesday begins by confirming that my sitter’s kids (better known as my niece and nephew) still have a stomach virus-so I have to adjust-I’ll take the kids directly to the bus and go into work late. I have a bit of extra time-it’s already been a hectic week, so I let the kids sleep in, while I try to manage a few chores and pack lunches. I get the kids up, get everyone dressed and prepped for the day and race out the door. Two minutes into the ride, my son meekly asks, “Mama, is it ok if I eat breakfast at school today?” and it is at that moment I realize, oh my word, I forgot to feed my children!! Yes in my attempt to cram more into my already pressed day, I had forgotten one of my primary morning tasks, feeding my kids!! I would like to say that this was a first time offence, but I’d be lying. So immediately I go into panic mode and remembering that there is a tube of yogurt in both kid’s lunch boxes, I instruct them to eat those. Now crumbling under the guilt overload I make a desperate decision. Reaching into my purse, I pull out a tattered plastic baggy containing two chocolate chip cookies that have survived two weeks in my oversized bag. I give each child a cookie and again express how sorry I am that I forgot breakfast! We arrive at the bus stop only to discover that we are ten minutes early for the bus, go figure! I make a quick dash to the corner gas station and snag two packages of mini donuts and two juices and manage to get the kids, although not the healthiest option, at least a breakfast that won’t leave them starving until lunch rolls around. Back at the bus stop the kids reassure me that I have not scarred them for life. They tell me it’s ok, that they are ok and that they never thought I would EVER give them cookies for breakfast! We giggle and I am humbled at the ease of their forgiveness.

This Thanksgiving I find myself especially thankful for grace! Grace: the undeserved pardon of my children when I overbook, over schedule and overlook even their necessities; and the undeserved pardon from my heavenly father when I fall short in ministry, parenting and in life-when Jesus stands in the gap and allows me to dust myself off and try again. Thank you Lord for Grace!

I will never master spinning all my plates. And in fact I need to do better about not having so many plates in the air at once. So, I will happily continue to be in awe of the circus plate spinner and just really glad I don’t have to wear that jumpsuit!!

“But because of his great love for us,

God, who is rich in mercy,

made us alive with Christ even when we were

dead in transgressions-

it is by grace you have been saved.”

Ephesians 2:4-5 (NIV)

Confession #1-Most of the time I totally forget that I’m not running the world!

So today, 11/19/11 Saturday, having recovered from Soccer Season (my busiest time of year, this year compounded by grieving for the loss of my grandmother and trying to lead a small church plant) we finally get to enjoy a day at home. Nothing is planned; Ron has to work, so my agenda includes cooking breakfast for the kids and doing dishes! Of course because of my over achiever-itis I start adding to my list, wash the sheets, finish the laundry, clean the hardwood floors, pay bills, workout, and quickly I see my free day fading away. After a java break-my head clears a bit and I opt to take the kids to the park-workout and kids play-it’s a win-win!! It’s one of those weird November days in Ohio where it’s mostly cloudy but the sun peeks in and out of the clouds, the breeze is steady but the temp is nearly 60. Rock on-I can soak up a few stray rays and exercise!! The kids zip away on their scooters and I clumsily follow in a slow jog/walk/jog.

Half a mile in, I am totally in my head creating a grocery list and rummaging thru the never-ending to-do items that I track in my head on a daily basis. Buy batteries for the fire alarm, pick up the kids prescription, call Papa, what am I gonna make for dinner, when’s that report due at work…and so goes the list. The landscape catches my eye and I see the pumpkin water tower in the distance and ask God to pour out his spirit on our town in a mighty way. Then my “should” switch activates and I think that I should use this time to pray instead of adding to my ever growing list.

Right then God halts my thoughts and whispers “Be Still and Know that I am God”! This is a conversation God and I have had before! He quickly reminds me that my list can wait; the constant busy-ness in my brain is keeping me from enjoying this moment he specifically brought me here to enjoy! The clouds thin and sunlight streams down on the park, the breeze blows against my cheeks and I hear my kids giggling in the distance! What a blessing and what a dummy I am! I nearly missed this-I would have mindlessly listed this moment away-Thank you Lord for your enormous patience with me, for your gracious reminding that you alone have things under control, that you can handle the bills, you’ll supply the strength to get the housework done, that you will lead our work at the church and that the final outcome doesn’t depend on whether I checked that item off my list!

I finish my 2.4 miles (‘cause 2 miles isn’t enough) and join the kids on the playground. Laughter and fresh air are always a good combination. We retreat to the truck as raindrops start to fall-perfect timing.  I can’t help thinking that’s what today was totally about, in all my efforts to keep track of everything in my world, I so easily lose track of the most important fact-God’s got my back! He’s directing my path and in his perfect timing he will work out all the tiny details!

God, help me to “BE STILL” more often and reflect on the blessings you so lovingly place in my life everyday!

“Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

(niv)